Its early. I feel dirty, the layer of film on my gums, my skin feels oily from last night and my clothes smell of cigarettes. I don't even know how I made it home. I don't drink anymore, but I still go to bars with my friends. They usually stay until closing time, ill drink water all night and participate in meaningless conversations. I don't know how I used to do it, the smoke is irritating to my eyes, people are loud and obnoxious, throwing up all over the place, etc. I end up driving a bunch of people home that I didn't intend to. I'm glad I can be there for them, they are still my friends.
I'm exhausted but I don't dare move from this table, I'm frozen in a state of heightened conciousness, or I'm just exhausted, and I think I am... My head is filled with thousands of thoughts racing back and forth, too indistinct to really grasp a single one. Its hard to concentrate sometimes. This happens often enough but its not constant, so i don't consider it to really be a problem.
I don't really know how long Ive been sitting here, I just know that the sun was over my shoulder a second ago and now it peers through the window and onto the wall. The picture frame is shining in the corner of my eye (kind of like the person you know is staring at you), but I just don't care enough to move. As I stare down it seems like I'm focusing on something very far away, maybe wondering what the bottom of the house looks like. As things start to come back into focus, I realize that my colorful cereal has turned into a rainbow of shit and sitting in spoiled warm milk. I wasn't hungry anyway... I'm not too much of a fan of cereal to begin with, I guess its just following an expected routine? Living a life of white fences and greenest grass, bbqs in the backyard and watching little league baseball at the local park? None of that ever really mattered to me, so why do it now? I guess I'm just trying to change my life, if its a good enough life for millions, they cant be wrong(or was everyone else in my shoes at some point and wanting something different and that's how they too have become a cardboard copy of the American dream)...
As I stare down this bowl of swirly rainbow shit i start to see my reflection, and my stomach begins to turn. I start to get sick almost immediately, so I run to the bathroom and vomit in the sink. I couldn't make it to the toilet in time. For a second I feel relief, until I lift my head only to see my reflection staring back at me again. It feels like I cant get away from myself sometimes. My stomach is in knots and I'm left on the bathroom floor in agonizing pain.
I have found that there's a certain comfort in a bathroom. Its quiet, and there's really no memories formed in a bathroom. Its a blank slate, a room of salvation. I sit and reflect on the bathroom floor, wondering what I'm doing with myself. I stand up and realize that my eyes are bloodshot, my throat is dry like I ate sand, and I am really pale. I have lost 15 pounds since last month... I barely look like me. Maybe I should take a shower, I feel gross anyway. I turn the water on and get undressed. The water is warm, so I step in to the shower. I start to drift in thought again.. I want to stay in this bathroom until I start to feel better, and I don't care how long it takes.. I just want to feel better, even if its just for a moment. I turn the water hotter, just enough that i can feel the sting. Its enough to make my muscles relax. It feels nice, but it doesen't last long. Sure as shit the pain comes right back, my eyes feel swollen, and my gut feels like I have a rusty bayonet lodged in it. I turn the water as hot as it goes, its scolding hot. I can hear the pipes screaming from within the wall, and my skin feels like I just pressed it up against the hot tarmac. It burns real bad for about one second, and my skin feels tight on my body now. I feel the previous night and all my worries peeling off of my skin and I envision it being flushed down the drain. I forget about everything for a little while, just in that moment. One day I will be able to let it all go. When you look at it that way, its a sign of progress in its own fucked up way.
- (no subject)